Sunday, January 22, 2012

Oh and one more thing...It's called Twitter

Oh, and one more thing... I think if I were to never send a text again I would only get texts from my mother asking if I was alive and telling me she's going to shower.... thanks for the updates mom but it's called twitter...

***Graphic Language Ahead***

Things are dawning on me. That I still don't really have any friends... I guess I have more than I did in high school but that's saying a shit ton... seeing as I didn't go to one fucking party my whole high school career. I also have the shittiest, bitchiest, self-absorbed roommates ever. I don't get to use the fridge, ever... I have my own mini fridge because there is no room for my shit in their fridge... and I just got kicked out of my apartment last night because one of my roommates wanted to have a friend over to make dinner and watch a cartoon movie. It's not like we are sharing a room and you wanted to bring a guy over, and you were sitting on my futon... but honestly I didn't want to be somewhere I was unwanted and felt uncomfortable so I left. I am just so over all of this shit. I don't want to waste college like I did high school but honestly it's looking like I don't really have a fucking choice. I have tried SO FUCKING HARD... I have invited people out, I have been friendly, dressed cute, made an effort to get food outside of my apartment (which by the way is a shitastically-fun-barrel-of-monkey's-laugh-tastic-cry-inducing activity as you go get food by yourself) people just don't like me... I'm not really sure why since no one has really even taken the time to get to know me. The thing is... I guess I am kind of a loner, I enjoy being alone sometimes... but now I don't really think I want that. I want friends, I want to be loved... by someone... I want people to think of me, to include me, I want to have memories of college that involve someone other than me and my computer. I've driven back to school a couple times and seen these homeless guys together... maybe they do realize it, idk... but they have what I truely want, companionship... money can only buy you friends in your sorority and I really fucked that one up the ass with a sledge hammer. I'll never have a true bid-day experience... on either end... I'll never be able to pass down my legacy to my daughters... and because I'm so fucking anti-social I will probably never date or marry a frat boy... meaning my kids will grow up geeds... not that I have a problem with gdi's... and maybe it is because of my parents that I have such idolatry towards greeks that I probably shouldn't pass to my kids... but I want to share something with my kids, I want them to be a legacy...

I'm done rambling for now... I have so much else to say but I'm too burned out to type....

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. -Steve Jobs

Ok... I am officially in love with my life. I seriously hope the rest of the semester stays half this phenomenal! I LOVE my blaw class... LOVE, LOVE the teacher, LOVE the class, I love my stats class and the girl that sits next to me and talks to me like I am a normal human instead of a smelly freak who just came back from the barn... I love that people say hi to me when I walk around and I love how I am so happy that I say hi to others. I love that I don't give a shit that my roommate is a TOTAL bitch. and oh ya... I think I want to go into law still.... and ooooo ya... I don't know if I'll be staying in my hometown.... sooooo I may be moving to cali if I get my dream job. After becoming obsessed with Steve Jobs, I think I want to work in a legal department of Apple. They also offer paralegal opportunities so I could always move to cali, become a paralegal, attempt the cali bar, if I pass hot damn I'm a lawyer, if I fail I might go to law school.... and maybe Apple would pay... who knows, that is like my dream now. OMG I HAVE A DREAM JOB!!!!!! wow.... okay another thing I'm really stoked about. I was raised Catholic... but I actually do not believe in God. I respect everyone's choices, and will still capitalize God and probably continue to "pray" I never really prayed much anyone, but it is how I learned to calm myself and locate my thoughts, I think prayer is just a self-assurance thing anyway. But I definitely believe in reincarnation and I definitely believe that our timeline is cyclical. I am doing more research but I am excited to see where this takes me in life.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


My stat professor started out our class with this music video, it was playing as students were walking in. What an amazing way to start a class? I LOVE this song now and it makes me sooo happy... why can't every song be this soft and happy and make me feel loved like this... I don't even know what they are saying haha oh well!!

If you don't feel safe copy & pasting it, search manran, it is called latha math and should be the first one to pop up!

Stay hungry, stay foolish. -Steve Jobs

Today is a good day, today is a GREAT day. It actually started out kind of shitty. Last night I had to pick someone up from the train station and their train was 15 minutes late, and I got there 15 minutes before it was SUPPOSED to get there. Then I had to drive 25 minutes to pick up their things, then 25 minutes back home. Then when I got home and got in bed, my roommates had a boy over. Boys always talk louder. Then as I was drifting into sweet sleep, I got a call from train kid. To tell me that one of my exs was in their dorm hall, which I had already told them my ex was there on their train ride. Maybe they didn't believe me? Then I put in my earplugs and went back to bed. I dreamed about my ex. The one that has been on my mind for a year now. It is coming up on our two year anniversary... if we stayed together... but we didn't... but technically we never really started going out, and technically we never really broke up. And if you think it is just me, I heard from him last December 2nd 2011 (almost a year after we broke up... depending on when you count when we broke up)... via text, I could have heard from him more recently via facebook but it was around the same time. It doesn't really matter, he moved away from here so there isn't anything anyway. But I wore his shirt last night, hoping to spark a dream maybe? It worked. I don't really remember a whole lot of it now because I didn't really recap it much this morning. The gist of it is I think we were going to try getting back together.

Anyway. Today was amazing. I love my classes. I love my professors and I am really happy. I have already made some friends in my classes and I have already started on my homework. Now I am kicking back, having a snack (not worrying about my weight one bit), and just relaxing. It feels great.

Also... I had my business law class today... maybe I do want to go to law school? {HELP}

Monday, January 16, 2012

For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. -Steve Jobs

I am still confused. I am back at school. I had a useless day. I was happy earlier. today that is. I have been having heart palpitations. My floor pops if I step on it weird. There is a weird noise coming from upstairs. I can't go to bed. I want to go to bed. I have responsibilities. I am uncomfortable. I still don't know what I want. My room is a mess. I spoke spanish. Quieres, como dos, pero, quieres. Probably horribly botched. Un poco mas de espaniol. In regards to my knowledge of french. Quiero/Quieres and Urgente are my favorite spanish words. Quarter is my favorite english word. I like q's.

I have decided that I am going to go with myself. I am going to be more free. I will wear what makes me comfortable. I will make myself uncomfortable, I will stretch my comfort zone. I WILL meet people. I WILL make this work. and you know... maybe my friends don't need to go to my school. I wish I had a stronger base of friends. What is so difficult is that I do have a really good friend. But we don't have too many others in our group, and she isn't old enough to come out with me. Which is really strange because I am used to being the youngest. What really sucks though is that I have 8ams M-F which means I don't get to stay out late except friday and saturday... sure I have all day off m/w/f after 9am but who else is?

I have already cried a couple times today.

I feel I will never find peace.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

"don’t settle as with all matters of the heart you will know when you’ve found it." -Steve Jobs

Wow... it has been UNGODLY too long since I have posted. Soo much has changed since then.... SOOO MUCH! I have no idea what I am doing with my life or what my next move is... everyone says I have sooo much time but honestly I have to choose my major in a couple months. Frankly I have NOOO idea. Going into college I was management, since then I have thought econ, finance, accounting, entrepreneurship, and now marketing. Which is practically every business major. 

Right now I am between these three:

Econ: Helps prepare me for the LSAT, and one less class than all the other majors. But who knows if I am even planning on taking the LSAT anymore even. And what would I really want with an econ degree... 

Finance: I don't know if I will like the classes, but it would be useful for life. 

Marketing: I think I might like marketing, my dad was a marketing major and it is the most broad. However, I cannot take my intro to marketing class until I return from spain (OH! I'm moving to spain in august... it really has been long!!) and I have to choose my major BEFORE I leave for spain. Choosing marketing would be a total crapshoot... it could be the kiss of death on the next two years of my life... okay three semesters but still. 

So here is the deal. If I am thinking of econ only because it has one less class, and I am taking 12 credits each semester... maybe I'm not supposed to be a student. Now this may sound perfectly normal... but hear me out. Everyone in my family has their end degree. My mother has her doctorate in nursing, my father his juris doctorate, and my sister is a third year med student. I have a LOT of pressure on me, I feel like I am letting my family down and wasting the opportunities I was born with. 

My dad did recently discuss with me quality of life. He told me, for the first time, that my happiness in life is more important than money. Everything WILL turn out okay. I need to relax, not worry, and make decisions. My life will unfold, and I cannot wait to see where it takes me and what new friends I make in the process.

PS- I am in love with Steve Jobs... I wish he was still alive because it would definitely be on my bucket list to have a conversation with him.