Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The sad truth...

So I have this problem. It has increasingly been making itself known to me that my emotions are linked to men. If I am really happy, it usually has something to do with a man, if I am really sad... same thing. I am a really independent person, love my alone time, but for some reason place such a strange importance on men in my life. Their presence in my life, their reactions to me, and my interactions with them. I don't know if I'd ever be friends with a guy I didn't find attractive, but any guy I find attractive I want to become involved with. I'm like that, I want a taste of the pot. I don't even know if that's a phrase people use... like ever. If I have a group of friends that are guys, I'm going to want to kiss them all... just to see. I like being physically close with men. I feel they give a more genuine interest in you than women do... or maybe I just WANT them to be more involved in my life than women. I don't understand why I can do everything I can perfectly and when it doesn't work out with a guy still feel bad. Obviously they aren't interested, for whatever reason. I wouldn't want to be with them if they weren't interested. Maybe it's life's way of saving me... maybe they have herpes, maybe they are total douche bags, maybe they are dating someone. I just don't know. My mom has way higher expectations of the boys I date than I do... why shouldn't I raise my standards? Probably because I will never find anyone... sad AND true... honestly who knows. I like to have many men in my life, just men I can see, talk to, interact with, flirt with, text every now and then... basically I need people who make me feel good about myself. If a guy isn't involved, I can't be happy. I don't understand why. I keep thinking to myself, wow he's cute, my sister would be impressed if I brought him home. Sooo that's the only reason I'd date him... ?...really?! This problem is SO me... it's the epitome of me and I swear it revolves around some issue that is causing every other issue in my life... I just don't know what it is. This is all true and I acknowledge all of it... and I hate myself for it. Yet I LOVE the way I feel when I have a ton of guys to think about or to talk to or to plan how to interact with them or get them interested in me... I love that. As a kid my mom always told me, guys only want one thing. I guess I took that a little too much to heart and spun it around in a weird way. If I could control and harness that.... it could give me immense power. So as much as this problem is about a need for affirmation and love, it's as much about power.

These are strong things to admit to myself. Sometimes I feel so in control and on top of the world when I have men around, and when I have no men around (that usually also means I have no friends in my life at that time) my life is spiraling out of control into a depression. I work so hard at forming these interactions with men I usually give up my female companions. I completely isolate myself into being alone. I set myself up for failure. The reason I am not content to just chill with friends is because I'd rather be at a party or a bar, because I could potentially meet a guy. Otherwise, I'd rather be on my own... I have no interest in female companions unless they can stand by my side in finding a man or getting over a man.

this is harsh.

I am well aware of this.

This is how I have always been, I don't know what else to do, and I don't really know if I want to change this pattern. I thought taking these two years off to be single would help me realize something about myself... I think all it has done is solidified this is the way I am. What's worse, is with this behavior I am not suitable for long term relationships. Obviously. So why have I tried it so many times, why do I think with each now boy about their potential qualities as a husband or father or earner. It's all a game to me. I'm playing pretend and jerking these guys around.

I don't know what to do to get over this and I don't know if I even want to get over this. Another big issue is that I still miss my ex... but all I want to do is fool around with tons of different men, be selfish, make out with lots of men, and just have fun. But then I feel quilty, I miss my ex (which I really think is just me feeling lonely in general because he's a douche with no future)

This is a part of me. I don't know what it means for my future... and I don't know if I could ever love this part of myself (honestly I do love when I am successful) and I don't know if I could ever want to change it... But how can I have a meaningful and full life if I have no constants and the lows are SO low... and inevitable. I am setting myself up for failure... Maybe refusing to allow constants into my life, I am attempting to protect myself from forming close bonds, allowing myself to start over at any point in time. It's a commitment issue... maybe. Maybe I do want to settle down and meet someone. But I like being on my own schedule and terms and I'm not ready to settle down yet... I just want attention. I can't believe I am one of those girls that just wants attention. I hate those girls. Maybe that's why I don't think very highly of myself....

Who knows. Anyway I have a super long day tomorrow and have to work a bit.

As the night has gone on... I feel inadequate. I feel like I need to be needed. I don't know why I am so needy. I wish I wasn't so dependent on men. I think I stay in at home because it is easier and safer for me to sit here and wallow than to go in search of getting my heart broken and wasting my time. Anyway... I have to get up in six hours...

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

It's Been A While...

It's been a really long time. I did cut my hair, and it did get to the top of my butt. I cut off 12 inches. And I was ready for it. I had accomplished a lot of personal goals and felt I had made real growth. I also did it 2 days before I moved to Spain. Yes, I moved to Spain. Then I moved back to The States. I just got back a month ago. I loved Spain. I learned so much about myself, how I interact with people, how others interact with me and others. It was a great eye-opening experience and I met so many friends. One does not go to my school. Most do. I moved into my new apartment and moved Mervin in with me. We have never been happier together. He is much happier as an only cat and I am so happy to be living on my own. I have two of my own pieces of furniture that I acquired for a total of 40 dollars. One glider and one loveseat. I am in love with them. I feel so at home here, like it is really my home. It is taking on an Irish Cottage feel. Also, it's 1am and I'm exhausted and just finished baking brownies. They are for the boys down the hall. This is so new to me, making friends and all. Sunday a boy knocked on my door looking for his friends (who I did not know) I made friends with him and he took me to his friends down the hall. I had the best time ever. If there is ever an experience that embodies college, it is meeting some rando and partying it up with them and sliding by with no issues. I got a lot of phone numbers and met a guy from Spain. The next day I found the couch I moved into my apartment being dumped and went and knocked on their door again and asked if they could help me move it in. And they did... He didn't say "ya, just let me finish this..." he said ya and laced up his kicks. I am getting a LOT better at making eye contact, now my goal is to be able to smile at people while making eye contact. I succeeded today with a guy with a dog, but it's easy to smile with dogs around. First I wanted to remind myself that no one was perfect, I've learned and fully accepted that. Now I am focusing on doing what's best for me and listening to myself. I feel I am getting very close to accepting this. Next I want to focus on letting my anger and frustrations go and being happy with every situation and being able to position things in life to look amazing. There's also a kid in my Theology class who just starts talking to me. I feel so free. A lot of my social anxiety is gone, but there is still a lot more there that is preventing me from being fully free. But I have never felt this free. I am so happy, with my apartment, with my friends, with my life.

I am also trying to lose weight. I gained 15lbs in Spain. It is going well, it is a slow process and it is VERY hard for me to be patient and keep up with everything. So far I am down five pounds in... 5.5 weeks. So it is coming off really healthily, it is just frustrating because I was eating and drinking SOOOO much in Spain.... SO MUCH!!! I had kind of hoped just eating normally I would drop it all.... I guess eventually I would.... Rome wasn't built in a day (NOR DID IT FALL IN ONE!!) I've been trying to work out, swimming and doing the stationary bike.

I also got a job.... my first real paying job... with real taxes. I also paid my first bill, an electric bill... for only 10bucks! (no AC in Spain made it SUPER easy to not have AC when I moved back, and I got really used to turning off lights in Spain) I have a dishwasher now, for the first time in three years. I have to feed the cat and clean his litter, and vaccuum, and mop, and sweep, and do the dishes and the laundry and go grocery shopping and work and go to class and do homework and prepare my case for mock trial. Aside from that I have to work super hard to make and keep friends (which is slowly becoming more enjoyable than fearful, frustrating, or just not worth it) and if i have alone time left I really need it. Yes... I may not be as good as all the other kids taking 18 hours working 15 hours and doing mock trial.... but I am doing what's best for me, I know what's best for me. And that's a first for me, and it means something to me that I am starting to be able to recognize this and listen to it. I think my whole life, being compared to my really organized, smart and studious sister who was 5 years older,  I began to feel very inadequate. I convinced myself I could never be as good as the others, because that's what my ** was telling me... not in so many words, but read on and it will make sense. I went to a catholic all girls high school, the most prestigious, respected, and rigorous in my city and arguably my state. I was in both NJHS and NHS, I held leadership positions in CLC, Theatre, Book Club, and others. I had over 400 service hours recorded and I constantly had a boy on my arm. My GPA was a 91.8 out of 100. In highschool a 93 was an A-, in college the 92 would be an A, meaning a GPA of around a 3.7/3.75, which is dean's list status here, (which I have held for four strait semesters and if they counted summer sessions I would have that too) Sure, I didn't fully apply myself in math because I saw no need to do the homework when I could get an A on the test. And no, I didn't study because I didn't know how, no one taught me how, and I got by. All my ** saw was me slacking, yes ** saw my grades, and I would assume ** knew how involved I was... but maybe not. ** constantly made me feel like I wasn't doing enough, that I wasn't giving my best effort, that I was slacking and made me ashamed of myself. I knew I was smart, but I never considered myself a good student, I knew I was capable. I always thought to myself: "it should really say more about me that I am doing this well without studying, whereas my sister studies her ass off and gets perfect grades, I don't study and do alright" What I didn't realize was that "alright" was really good. Impressive really... They are basically the same grades I am getting now and ** currently tells me not to be so hard on myself and that my GPA isn't everything. So what is so different about now than highschool? ** thinks I actually care now? My feelings of self inadequacy caused me to go to a school much below my capabilities, it caused me so much hardship. I had to work so hard to realize that perfection just WASN'T attainable. That it didn't exist. I was 12 when I started that school. I was pretty strongly developed but I had just gone through a major life change (It took me more than 4 years or more to get over my parents divorce, I couldn't even SAY divorce until I was about 15) Kids are very responsive to your suggestions. You really need to be careful what you say to kids and how you say it. I finally, today, came to the realization that the only reason I am not the top in all of my classes is because I don't let myself. I think of myself as a slacker, a poor student, and I don't put forth any effort. That's not totally true, I do put forth a ton of effort and I did in highschool, but in all honesty, I don't know that I'm NOT top in my class. I was the top student in my Geology, Entrepreneurship, Accounting, English, Study Skills, Environmental Science, and I'm sure many other classes. I worked hard for all of that. When I was at UCM I brushed it off to it just being a weak school. Here, I chalk it up to a fluke. Why is it so hard for me to believe that I'm smart and just as capable as the rest of my family. Probably because they have never treated me like I could. ** once told me that "You don't have a 4.0, that's not right" Not because I really didn't, because I "must be mistaken" was it that hard to believe that I could get all A's? I love **, but ** has many flaws, being condescending and anger are the two most prominent. One's I am trying my best to avoid, but it is VERY challenging.

Okay, that got very long. But it has been a while. I plan on updating more. I really need to try a brownie. I have withstood temptation too long, my whole apartment smells like chocolaty heaven!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Living life in the present

Ok so I am going through changes. And lots of them. Only I am not really sure what they are just yet. A lot of them deal with moving on from my past and moving forward. I am growing and becoming more mature. I am wanting things I have wanted before, but I am also realizing I am still young and there is no need to rush my life. One of these things is a family.  A lot of my friends are getting married and having kids. I have been single for over a year now and I am really focusing on myself. Lately I have been lulled into thinking kids will be perfect for me. I can't know either way yet. Right now the plan is to go to law school so that could complicate things, but that is just something to keep in mind, obviously I will not be planning on having kids until I have a stable job and feel it is time. However, now I am starting to remember why I have always not wanted kids. Because frankly I am not ready for children yet. I do not understand myself enough to extend my love as far as my children deserve. I do not know what I believe in life and therefore do not know what I would teach my children. But it is fine, while I had been planning on wanting kids, I do not want them for at LEAST another 6 years. That is a long time.

Six years ago this summer I had my first kiss. It seems like another lifetime ago. It was such a big deal then too. But that is the whole thing, time is all RELATIVE. I just turned 20 exactly a week ago. My parents got divorced when I was 10 (I think, I can't really remember anymore) I now have had divorced parents for longer than I have had married parents. That stage in my life was a complete turning point. Memories from before then are hazy, unreal. I know they are mine but it is more like the memories I have are memories of a movie I watched, except that movie was real, and it was my life. They are memories of memories. They haunt me. The fact that I can't really remember them. That they are so hazy, yet so undeniably me.

It terrifies me that I had the same feelings of life at the age of 6 that I do now. Of course I didn't understand everything about life back then. I hadn't realized that my parents were just two kids like me who met and had no idea what they were doing, that I would inevitably end up older than they were then. But I did understand things like money, depression; I thought about things like reincarnation and my soul, I knew that I was just a kid and still had a lot of growing up to do.  I am now starting to remember that as a kid I hung out with my sisters friends, so as a kindergardener I hung out with fifth graders. I thought to myself, how will I know when I am big? I remember thinking, "when I am a fifth grader and can sit on the other side of the room for dismissal, that is what seems big to me now at least" I remember seeing upperclassmen (7th-12th) and remember thinking they looked GIANT, like real adults. However, I never really felt like an adult until this fall. I still feel young and will always be aware of my youth. I still hang out with people who are older than me.

I guess those feelings though, that have stuck with me, those understandings, they are what makes me me. The way I dress, the music I listen to... the reason I get so confused at times and feel like I am always contradicting myself is because I am a very intricate being and often feel confused on how to express myself.

Anyway, I love my life, I am happy and I have been given so many opportunities. I want to not be upset that my hair gets knotted when I am late for class. I want to be thankful that I have beautiful long hair that can get knotted, that I am able to go to the school my whole family attended, and thrive. There are children who have lost their hair to cancer who would light up to feel the tug of a brush in their hair once more, I want to hold on to the novelty of all life's little gifts and never take anything for granted. Also, in response or in honor per se to a post I read over here I have decided I will wait to cut my hair until I feel I have successful moved on in life from a couple things I am working on. I will be donating at least 10 inches of my hair, it is the longest it has ever been and boy is it LONG. I kind of just want to see if I can get it down to my butt... I am really close. Maybe I will post a picture of my hair sometime.

Friday, February 3, 2012

this weekend...

So I had a pretty great week. And a pretty great week the week before. However, my weekend is already sucking... and so did my weekend two weekends ago. Last weekend wasn't too bad because I was with people and got to hang out with them... in fact it was a ton better than this weekend or two weekends ago. It was better, even though I had the stomach flu, even though I was stressed all weekend, and working, and waking up earlier than I do for my 8ams. Ya... it was better than my weekend already is.

I don't really know how much I want to say about this weekend already.

The only thing we have to fear is fear it'self - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. -FDR

 In second grade I had a splinter in the bottom of my foot.

You may be thinking to yourself... "god she honestly remembers having one insignificant day and the details of it from over a decade ago....who the hell is this woman?"

Well, years ago, splinters were a big deal to me. Everything was a big deal to me. I remember two distinct incidences where I had splinters. They were very traumatizing to me. I was in pain and I was scared. I had a sharp object in my body that wasn't supposed to be there, and it hurt. I knew removing things from my body hurt and this would be no exception. My dad had to go and find tweezers to pull out the splinter. I honestly thought that was all tweezers were good for, was pulling out splinters. I cried, and that was it. The second occasion I remember I was older and had the authority to hold my parents back a bit longer from taking it out. Then they finally got sick of my complaining and made me remove it.

I was also afraid to ever shave my legs as a kid because I knew sometimes you could cut yourself with a razor. This scared me to DEATH. I was terrified of cuts, scraps, and blood. So much so that I never really wanted to do normal kid things like ride a bike, or do flips on a trampoline. You probably guessed that I've never broken a bone, and shots still to this day are a major traumatic event. I only remember having my blood drawn once and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I'm scared, still. My two biggest fears in life were having my wisdom teeth removed and getting my blood drawn. I've done both. In fact, I've gone in for oral surgery twice. I prefer it to having my blood drawn because there is only a second prick of the IV and then I'm out. Ya, the pain lasts longer, but it isn't really the pain. I've had worse pain, I'm not afraid of the pain. I'm afraid of what it is, what it means and how it feels. I would way rather have the worst stomach pains I have ever felt than feel the feeling of a sharp object entering my skin, blood spilling, and blood being sucked out of my body.

Well now, I can handle splinters, I had one about a week ago and was glad to learn it was a splinter because I was afraid I had a cut or some weird abnormality that was causing me pain. So I pulled out the splinter the second I found it without thinking twice. Then I realized, had this happened ten years ago, I would have been a wreck, hysterical. But I wasn't. And I hope that one day I will be strong enough to have my immunizations, to have my blood drawn, and to one day get an epidural when I have my first child. Until then... who knows....

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life -Steve Jobs

So in this year+ of life exploration I am learning many, many things about myself. So many things I never even thought to know about I now know about myself and life, simply by opening my eyes and living. I want to have kids, I want my own family. I have had many thoughts about what I want in my life for my future family. I want to be a lawyer, I want to go to law school, I know what law school I want to go to, and I know that I want to go part time or stop working when I have kids. I want to teach my kids all about life, I want to take my kids to parks, I want to make dinner for my family and husband. I want to bake cakes for my kids birthdays and make breakfast for my husband. I want a man who will financially and emotionally support my family. I want date nights where I drink wine with my husband. This is why I want to wait a couple years before I have kids so we can work real hard, have late nights with pizza and chinese food, and then cute date nights before I have kids. I want a man who will appreciate me caring for our family, and be driven enough to support our family.

I know one day I will find a man loving enough to support me and our children. I know he is an amazing man, so loving and caring. He is out there, I kind of wonder what he is doing right now. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I wonder if I know him... I wonder when I will meet him if I don't. My future holds so much ahead of me, and while I cannot wait for my life with him, I love my life today, and yesterday and tomorrow. I wouldn't trade today for anything.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Oh and one more thing...It's called Twitter

Oh, and one more thing... I think if I were to never send a text again I would only get texts from my mother asking if I was alive and telling me she's going to shower.... thanks for the updates mom but it's called twitter...