Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The sad truth...

So I have this problem. It has increasingly been making itself known to me that my emotions are linked to men. If I am really happy, it usually has something to do with a man, if I am really sad... same thing. I am a really independent person, love my alone time, but for some reason place such a strange importance on men in my life. Their presence in my life, their reactions to me, and my interactions with them. I don't know if I'd ever be friends with a guy I didn't find attractive, but any guy I find attractive I want to become involved with. I'm like that, I want a taste of the pot. I don't even know if that's a phrase people use... like ever. If I have a group of friends that are guys, I'm going to want to kiss them all... just to see. I like being physically close with men. I feel they give a more genuine interest in you than women do... or maybe I just WANT them to be more involved in my life than women. I don't understand why I can do everything I can perfectly and when it doesn't work out with a guy still feel bad. Obviously they aren't interested, for whatever reason. I wouldn't want to be with them if they weren't interested. Maybe it's life's way of saving me... maybe they have herpes, maybe they are total douche bags, maybe they are dating someone. I just don't know. My mom has way higher expectations of the boys I date than I do... why shouldn't I raise my standards? Probably because I will never find anyone... sad AND true... honestly who knows. I like to have many men in my life, just men I can see, talk to, interact with, flirt with, text every now and then... basically I need people who make me feel good about myself. If a guy isn't involved, I can't be happy. I don't understand why. I keep thinking to myself, wow he's cute, my sister would be impressed if I brought him home. Sooo that's the only reason I'd date him... ?...really?! This problem is SO me... it's the epitome of me and I swear it revolves around some issue that is causing every other issue in my life... I just don't know what it is. This is all true and I acknowledge all of it... and I hate myself for it. Yet I LOVE the way I feel when I have a ton of guys to think about or to talk to or to plan how to interact with them or get them interested in me... I love that. As a kid my mom always told me, guys only want one thing. I guess I took that a little too much to heart and spun it around in a weird way. If I could control and harness that.... it could give me immense power. So as much as this problem is about a need for affirmation and love, it's as much about power.

These are strong things to admit to myself. Sometimes I feel so in control and on top of the world when I have men around, and when I have no men around (that usually also means I have no friends in my life at that time) my life is spiraling out of control into a depression. I work so hard at forming these interactions with men I usually give up my female companions. I completely isolate myself into being alone. I set myself up for failure. The reason I am not content to just chill with friends is because I'd rather be at a party or a bar, because I could potentially meet a guy. Otherwise, I'd rather be on my own... I have no interest in female companions unless they can stand by my side in finding a man or getting over a man.

this is harsh.

I am well aware of this.

This is how I have always been, I don't know what else to do, and I don't really know if I want to change this pattern. I thought taking these two years off to be single would help me realize something about myself... I think all it has done is solidified this is the way I am. What's worse, is with this behavior I am not suitable for long term relationships. Obviously. So why have I tried it so many times, why do I think with each now boy about their potential qualities as a husband or father or earner. It's all a game to me. I'm playing pretend and jerking these guys around.

I don't know what to do to get over this and I don't know if I even want to get over this. Another big issue is that I still miss my ex... but all I want to do is fool around with tons of different men, be selfish, make out with lots of men, and just have fun. But then I feel quilty, I miss my ex (which I really think is just me feeling lonely in general because he's a douche with no future)

This is a part of me. I don't know what it means for my future... and I don't know if I could ever love this part of myself (honestly I do love when I am successful) and I don't know if I could ever want to change it... But how can I have a meaningful and full life if I have no constants and the lows are SO low... and inevitable. I am setting myself up for failure... Maybe refusing to allow constants into my life, I am attempting to protect myself from forming close bonds, allowing myself to start over at any point in time. It's a commitment issue... maybe. Maybe I do want to settle down and meet someone. But I like being on my own schedule and terms and I'm not ready to settle down yet... I just want attention. I can't believe I am one of those girls that just wants attention. I hate those girls. Maybe that's why I don't think very highly of myself....

Who knows. Anyway I have a super long day tomorrow and have to work a bit.

As the night has gone on... I feel inadequate. I feel like I need to be needed. I don't know why I am so needy. I wish I wasn't so dependent on men. I think I stay in at home because it is easier and safer for me to sit here and wallow than to go in search of getting my heart broken and wasting my time. Anyway... I have to get up in six hours...

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