Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The sad truth...

So I have this problem. It has increasingly been making itself known to me that my emotions are linked to men. If I am really happy, it usually has something to do with a man, if I am really sad... same thing. I am a really independent person, love my alone time, but for some reason place such a strange importance on men in my life. Their presence in my life, their reactions to me, and my interactions with them. I don't know if I'd ever be friends with a guy I didn't find attractive, but any guy I find attractive I want to become involved with. I'm like that, I want a taste of the pot. I don't even know if that's a phrase people use... like ever. If I have a group of friends that are guys, I'm going to want to kiss them all... just to see. I like being physically close with men. I feel they give a more genuine interest in you than women do... or maybe I just WANT them to be more involved in my life than women. I don't understand why I can do everything I can perfectly and when it doesn't work out with a guy still feel bad. Obviously they aren't interested, for whatever reason. I wouldn't want to be with them if they weren't interested. Maybe it's life's way of saving me... maybe they have herpes, maybe they are total douche bags, maybe they are dating someone. I just don't know. My mom has way higher expectations of the boys I date than I do... why shouldn't I raise my standards? Probably because I will never find anyone... sad AND true... honestly who knows. I like to have many men in my life, just men I can see, talk to, interact with, flirt with, text every now and then... basically I need people who make me feel good about myself. If a guy isn't involved, I can't be happy. I don't understand why. I keep thinking to myself, wow he's cute, my sister would be impressed if I brought him home. Sooo that's the only reason I'd date him... ?...really?! This problem is SO me... it's the epitome of me and I swear it revolves around some issue that is causing every other issue in my life... I just don't know what it is. This is all true and I acknowledge all of it... and I hate myself for it. Yet I LOVE the way I feel when I have a ton of guys to think about or to talk to or to plan how to interact with them or get them interested in me... I love that. As a kid my mom always told me, guys only want one thing. I guess I took that a little too much to heart and spun it around in a weird way. If I could control and harness that.... it could give me immense power. So as much as this problem is about a need for affirmation and love, it's as much about power.

These are strong things to admit to myself. Sometimes I feel so in control and on top of the world when I have men around, and when I have no men around (that usually also means I have no friends in my life at that time) my life is spiraling out of control into a depression. I work so hard at forming these interactions with men I usually give up my female companions. I completely isolate myself into being alone. I set myself up for failure. The reason I am not content to just chill with friends is because I'd rather be at a party or a bar, because I could potentially meet a guy. Otherwise, I'd rather be on my own... I have no interest in female companions unless they can stand by my side in finding a man or getting over a man.

this is harsh.

I am well aware of this.

This is how I have always been, I don't know what else to do, and I don't really know if I want to change this pattern. I thought taking these two years off to be single would help me realize something about myself... I think all it has done is solidified this is the way I am. What's worse, is with this behavior I am not suitable for long term relationships. Obviously. So why have I tried it so many times, why do I think with each now boy about their potential qualities as a husband or father or earner. It's all a game to me. I'm playing pretend and jerking these guys around.

I don't know what to do to get over this and I don't know if I even want to get over this. Another big issue is that I still miss my ex... but all I want to do is fool around with tons of different men, be selfish, make out with lots of men, and just have fun. But then I feel quilty, I miss my ex (which I really think is just me feeling lonely in general because he's a douche with no future)

This is a part of me. I don't know what it means for my future... and I don't know if I could ever love this part of myself (honestly I do love when I am successful) and I don't know if I could ever want to change it... But how can I have a meaningful and full life if I have no constants and the lows are SO low... and inevitable. I am setting myself up for failure... Maybe refusing to allow constants into my life, I am attempting to protect myself from forming close bonds, allowing myself to start over at any point in time. It's a commitment issue... maybe. Maybe I do want to settle down and meet someone. But I like being on my own schedule and terms and I'm not ready to settle down yet... I just want attention. I can't believe I am one of those girls that just wants attention. I hate those girls. Maybe that's why I don't think very highly of myself....

Who knows. Anyway I have a super long day tomorrow and have to work a bit.

As the night has gone on... I feel inadequate. I feel like I need to be needed. I don't know why I am so needy. I wish I wasn't so dependent on men. I think I stay in at home because it is easier and safer for me to sit here and wallow than to go in search of getting my heart broken and wasting my time. Anyway... I have to get up in six hours...

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

It's Been A While...

It's been a really long time. I did cut my hair, and it did get to the top of my butt. I cut off 12 inches. And I was ready for it. I had accomplished a lot of personal goals and felt I had made real growth. I also did it 2 days before I moved to Spain. Yes, I moved to Spain. Then I moved back to The States. I just got back a month ago. I loved Spain. I learned so much about myself, how I interact with people, how others interact with me and others. It was a great eye-opening experience and I met so many friends. One does not go to my school. Most do. I moved into my new apartment and moved Mervin in with me. We have never been happier together. He is much happier as an only cat and I am so happy to be living on my own. I have two of my own pieces of furniture that I acquired for a total of 40 dollars. One glider and one loveseat. I am in love with them. I feel so at home here, like it is really my home. It is taking on an Irish Cottage feel. Also, it's 1am and I'm exhausted and just finished baking brownies. They are for the boys down the hall. This is so new to me, making friends and all. Sunday a boy knocked on my door looking for his friends (who I did not know) I made friends with him and he took me to his friends down the hall. I had the best time ever. If there is ever an experience that embodies college, it is meeting some rando and partying it up with them and sliding by with no issues. I got a lot of phone numbers and met a guy from Spain. The next day I found the couch I moved into my apartment being dumped and went and knocked on their door again and asked if they could help me move it in. And they did... He didn't say "ya, just let me finish this..." he said ya and laced up his kicks. I am getting a LOT better at making eye contact, now my goal is to be able to smile at people while making eye contact. I succeeded today with a guy with a dog, but it's easy to smile with dogs around. First I wanted to remind myself that no one was perfect, I've learned and fully accepted that. Now I am focusing on doing what's best for me and listening to myself. I feel I am getting very close to accepting this. Next I want to focus on letting my anger and frustrations go and being happy with every situation and being able to position things in life to look amazing. There's also a kid in my Theology class who just starts talking to me. I feel so free. A lot of my social anxiety is gone, but there is still a lot more there that is preventing me from being fully free. But I have never felt this free. I am so happy, with my apartment, with my friends, with my life.

I am also trying to lose weight. I gained 15lbs in Spain. It is going well, it is a slow process and it is VERY hard for me to be patient and keep up with everything. So far I am down five pounds in... 5.5 weeks. So it is coming off really healthily, it is just frustrating because I was eating and drinking SOOOO much in Spain.... SO MUCH!!! I had kind of hoped just eating normally I would drop it all.... I guess eventually I would.... Rome wasn't built in a day (NOR DID IT FALL IN ONE!!) I've been trying to work out, swimming and doing the stationary bike.

I also got a job.... my first real paying job... with real taxes. I also paid my first bill, an electric bill... for only 10bucks! (no AC in Spain made it SUPER easy to not have AC when I moved back, and I got really used to turning off lights in Spain) I have a dishwasher now, for the first time in three years. I have to feed the cat and clean his litter, and vaccuum, and mop, and sweep, and do the dishes and the laundry and go grocery shopping and work and go to class and do homework and prepare my case for mock trial. Aside from that I have to work super hard to make and keep friends (which is slowly becoming more enjoyable than fearful, frustrating, or just not worth it) and if i have alone time left I really need it. Yes... I may not be as good as all the other kids taking 18 hours working 15 hours and doing mock trial.... but I am doing what's best for me, I know what's best for me. And that's a first for me, and it means something to me that I am starting to be able to recognize this and listen to it. I think my whole life, being compared to my really organized, smart and studious sister who was 5 years older,  I began to feel very inadequate. I convinced myself I could never be as good as the others, because that's what my ** was telling me... not in so many words, but read on and it will make sense. I went to a catholic all girls high school, the most prestigious, respected, and rigorous in my city and arguably my state. I was in both NJHS and NHS, I held leadership positions in CLC, Theatre, Book Club, and others. I had over 400 service hours recorded and I constantly had a boy on my arm. My GPA was a 91.8 out of 100. In highschool a 93 was an A-, in college the 92 would be an A, meaning a GPA of around a 3.7/3.75, which is dean's list status here, (which I have held for four strait semesters and if they counted summer sessions I would have that too) Sure, I didn't fully apply myself in math because I saw no need to do the homework when I could get an A on the test. And no, I didn't study because I didn't know how, no one taught me how, and I got by. All my ** saw was me slacking, yes ** saw my grades, and I would assume ** knew how involved I was... but maybe not. ** constantly made me feel like I wasn't doing enough, that I wasn't giving my best effort, that I was slacking and made me ashamed of myself. I knew I was smart, but I never considered myself a good student, I knew I was capable. I always thought to myself: "it should really say more about me that I am doing this well without studying, whereas my sister studies her ass off and gets perfect grades, I don't study and do alright" What I didn't realize was that "alright" was really good. Impressive really... They are basically the same grades I am getting now and ** currently tells me not to be so hard on myself and that my GPA isn't everything. So what is so different about now than highschool? ** thinks I actually care now? My feelings of self inadequacy caused me to go to a school much below my capabilities, it caused me so much hardship. I had to work so hard to realize that perfection just WASN'T attainable. That it didn't exist. I was 12 when I started that school. I was pretty strongly developed but I had just gone through a major life change (It took me more than 4 years or more to get over my parents divorce, I couldn't even SAY divorce until I was about 15) Kids are very responsive to your suggestions. You really need to be careful what you say to kids and how you say it. I finally, today, came to the realization that the only reason I am not the top in all of my classes is because I don't let myself. I think of myself as a slacker, a poor student, and I don't put forth any effort. That's not totally true, I do put forth a ton of effort and I did in highschool, but in all honesty, I don't know that I'm NOT top in my class. I was the top student in my Geology, Entrepreneurship, Accounting, English, Study Skills, Environmental Science, and I'm sure many other classes. I worked hard for all of that. When I was at UCM I brushed it off to it just being a weak school. Here, I chalk it up to a fluke. Why is it so hard for me to believe that I'm smart and just as capable as the rest of my family. Probably because they have never treated me like I could. ** once told me that "You don't have a 4.0, that's not right" Not because I really didn't, because I "must be mistaken" was it that hard to believe that I could get all A's? I love **, but ** has many flaws, being condescending and anger are the two most prominent. One's I am trying my best to avoid, but it is VERY challenging.

Okay, that got very long. But it has been a while. I plan on updating more. I really need to try a brownie. I have withstood temptation too long, my whole apartment smells like chocolaty heaven!