Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Summer classes and a few words on my mother.

Today I spent the day, four full hours of it, applying and registering for summer classes. Applying took all of 30 minutes. Then I had to take my placement test, which took me 2 full hours, almost exactly. I did really well and placed above where I needed to. Then came registering. I sat in a room for a good 30 minutes, then met with an advisor for another 30, then had to set up my account and register. which took me nearly a half hour because the computers are useless and no one was there to help... guess that's what you get at a community college. Funny though I saw someone from my old school there. Guess he didn't like it either. So now I am all registered and paid... 800 dollars for 10 credit hours... yes please! Everything worked out perfectly, despite it being long and painful! On the way back though my mom decided to dig the knife in a little deeper and discuss how irresponsible I am. Right.... I am irresponsible, the one who does all the shopping, cooking and cleaning... the one who keeps track of my mother for her... ya I need to re-evaluate, sorry! Apparently she thinks she is just being helpful. So when I snapped at her, telling her I can't take her abuse anymore and that if it continues I am living with my dad for the summer, she was upset. I made her lunch, specifically for her, a loaded vegan sweet potato (recipe to come). Except she was too disgusted with me to eat. So I again snapped, and told her, "I found this recipe specifically for you, I bought this sweet potato JUST for you, I made it JUST for YOU, and I cut my finger making it FOR YOU... and you don't want it?" Huge slap in the face right there. I guess she felt bad so we shared it. Over the sweet tater I told her how I was feeling. I explained to her that when she says things like that it is very degrading and condescending. It is very hurtful and makes me feel completely worthless. I asked her if she understood what I was saying, and realized how that made me feel... if she had ever been made to feel that way by her own mother. She never answered. My sister is extremely needy and very reliant on my mother for everything. I am the exact opposite, I want no help from anyone, I want to figure things out on my own. I am very meticulous and want things done exactly right. She if extremely un-precise, so I have never relied on her to do anything for me. She doesn't understand that and I guess took that as a sign that I was lazy and didn't get anything done, since she couldn't imagine me doing it on my own. Especially since my sister, who is five years older, wouldn't have done it on her own, how could I have done it on my own five years younger? Well I did, but she never saw it because I never told her about my life, we never talked because she never understood and never cared to understand. Anyway, she is a great woman... maybe not the best mother, but she is all I have and I have learned to live around it. She has yet to realize her behavior is a problem. This is why I do better living separately from her.

Monday, May 9, 2011

A change of mindset

As I said, I am interested in starting an animal rights group on campus. However, I am having second thoughts. I don't want to be obnoxious, I feel it is most powerful if people can relate to me, if they don't look at it as us vs. them. I do not want to be condescending. I want to encourage people to be the best they can be, for the world. I am not sure protesting has this desired outcome. It seems like protesting just creates more barriers. We are supposed to be working for peace, not more segregation. Those people driving by only see looney's who they have nothing in common with, and want nothing to do with. However, had we approached them politely and less aggressively at a time more convenient for them, when they weren't already at the tracks, it could have sunk in further. The problem here does not lie in the people, we cannot change their blind ignorance, it is the powerhouse behind it that needs to be stopped, and many many people would agree that they don't like the way certain monopolies are run. IE: most american's would love a McDonald's reform, but telling them that they are wrong for eating there and that it is bad is only going to make them feel awful, and ganged up on. They are likely to go more into depression and revert further into their ways. What if I really did have it all backwards? I don't want to be extreme, I want people to give veg*nism a shot. I think the best way to do that is to talk, approach people politely, and feed them. Which makes me wonder, do I really want an animal rights group? If not.... what DO I want? Where is my life going with this?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

So I have been home a couple days now, my family is finally back together, mother and sister. I made my mother pancakes (chocolate chip peanut butter with maple syrup, powdered sugar, and fresh berries along with freshly pressed carrot juice) I gave her a juicer for mother's day (secretly hoping I can use it!) a card, and ordered some flowers. Well, when the flowers arrived it was the adorable little neighbor girl. See, I never grew up in a neighborhood, I never had that sense of community... it was just my family and the kids I went to school with, and I wasn't friends with anyone really. I didn't like it, but family was all I had. Today that has become so much more apparent. Sure, I don't always get along with them, but being all I had for so long, it is nearly impossible not having their constant support. Anyway, the little neighbor girl came over right as I was adding the wet ingredients to the dry in my favorite irish brown bread recipe. I invited her to help me finish. I had just put on my brand new apron and we were ready for some magic. She added the wet to the dry, stirred and helped knead. While it was baking we played with my kitties and talked to my mom (who loved the flowers!) Once it was done baking, I cut it into fourths and then sliced us two pieces. She chose cherry jam and I used the apple jelly my best friends family made. It was amazing, so warm and sweet with the jelly. After we ate it I sent her home with the rest of the fourth we had cut into and the rest of the cherry jelly. I felt like an aunt back in the day who had her neice over and sent her home with goodies. Sort of like little red riding hood, or hansel and gretal. Except this one had a happy ending... no kids in ovens or grandmas in wolves. I finished decorating my carrot cake that I had made for my mother and boy did it turn out beautiful!
This is Hector the Alphasaur, my best friend Taryn bestowed him upon me since I am transferring.
He will be in a lot of pictures as we will be adventuring together.
He is my companion, look for him in pictures from now on!

Carrot cake, cream cheese icing, walnuts. Recipe from: The Joy of Vegan Baking

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


It's finals week... or should I say two days lol. Today is my last day of finals!! I will be home after this and then I have a whirl wind of things to complete. Unpack, get to see Jonathon Safron Foer speak, making a vegan cinco de mayo for my best friend! then take her home the next morning and leave for columbia at 8am, when I get back at around 1ish I need to shower and get ready because I am meeting with my new schools Student Government Association to discuss starting an AR Club. Thing is... I thought he was an adult so I had been calling him "Mr." turns out he's two years older than me. O well! I just don't want him thinking I am a kook! I want to put off the best impression for ARA's all over. He is a preppy kid so I have decided to wear one of my lacoste dresses, a necklace, my crescent, and my sorority badge. I am so excited and so nervous at the same time! Here goes nothing!!! Wish me luck!!!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

see there's this boy....

So it is 3:34, I woke up at ten, and I still haven't eaten. Why? because my stomach is overfilled STILL from last night/this morning. Last night I got to thinking a lot... I haven't had much to do and when I don't have anything to do I start to think.... and I started thinking about a certain... boy... well I texted one of my friends and she told me exactly what any good friend would say.... I'm F'd... ya.... we've tried it twice and somehow it still doesn't work... so why do I keep thinking about him? Because... he is that one guy... ya know the one i've had it bad for for three years.... nothing seems to taint him in my mind... ya.... that one! So I watched weeds, texted friends, stayed up till three... finished off a 2 liter of coke and a box of cereal and came close to finishing off two boxes of cookies and half a jar of peanut butter. I also had a sheet of matzo.... yaaaaaaa so all in all I dont think he has any clue I have these feelings... feelings of deep regret and hurt and an aching to be with him, near him, just to even talk to him.... no I think he still and probably forever will have those same feelings for his ex. Weird thing is... she was a vegan too... or so she claimed, she ate eggs from her farm.

....and he kind of stole my heart....

Big Announcement Reveal!

Soooo my big announcement. I am transferring schools. I need to be closer to home... and I need a fresh start... not that my life isn't exactly where I want it, I just know that I can get more being back home. I have more resources to make a bigger change. I want to start selling my baked goods, I am also trying to get a job and start an AR group at my new school. I need to take summer courses and I am also trying to get a service leadership certificate. Ya... I am going to be busy. But when I am not busy I get depressed...

Anyway... this is my last sunday in this god-forsaken town. Don't get me wrong, I love this place. But it is kind of like how you love laying in bed alll day and eating a ton of food.... and then you always get sick and vow you will never do it again because you got nothing done and are in pain and know you just ruined your diet? Ya.... kinda like that.... it's just a playground of nothingness. Hm... well it is bittersweet leaving. Today is my last sunday here. I will visit often I hope.

I cannot wait to start baking again. And cooking. I just ordered my mom's mothers day gift, and I cannot wait to try it out, it comes in this wed! I am going to start testing the waters with mailing my baked goods. I will start by sending them to friends who are staying in warrensburg over the summer, and family. Maybe I can actually get a market for this going.... it would be awesome if I could. Anyway... I am living life. Actually living. and each day provides new opportunities for making my life amazing. Live it up!