Friday, February 3, 2012

this weekend...

So I had a pretty great week. And a pretty great week the week before. However, my weekend is already sucking... and so did my weekend two weekends ago. Last weekend wasn't too bad because I was with people and got to hang out with them... in fact it was a ton better than this weekend or two weekends ago. It was better, even though I had the stomach flu, even though I was stressed all weekend, and working, and waking up earlier than I do for my 8ams. Ya... it was better than my weekend already is.

I don't really know how much I want to say about this weekend already.

The only thing we have to fear is fear it'self - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. -FDR

 In second grade I had a splinter in the bottom of my foot.

You may be thinking to yourself... "god she honestly remembers having one insignificant day and the details of it from over a decade ago....who the hell is this woman?"

Well, years ago, splinters were a big deal to me. Everything was a big deal to me. I remember two distinct incidences where I had splinters. They were very traumatizing to me. I was in pain and I was scared. I had a sharp object in my body that wasn't supposed to be there, and it hurt. I knew removing things from my body hurt and this would be no exception. My dad had to go and find tweezers to pull out the splinter. I honestly thought that was all tweezers were good for, was pulling out splinters. I cried, and that was it. The second occasion I remember I was older and had the authority to hold my parents back a bit longer from taking it out. Then they finally got sick of my complaining and made me remove it.

I was also afraid to ever shave my legs as a kid because I knew sometimes you could cut yourself with a razor. This scared me to DEATH. I was terrified of cuts, scraps, and blood. So much so that I never really wanted to do normal kid things like ride a bike, or do flips on a trampoline. You probably guessed that I've never broken a bone, and shots still to this day are a major traumatic event. I only remember having my blood drawn once and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I'm scared, still. My two biggest fears in life were having my wisdom teeth removed and getting my blood drawn. I've done both. In fact, I've gone in for oral surgery twice. I prefer it to having my blood drawn because there is only a second prick of the IV and then I'm out. Ya, the pain lasts longer, but it isn't really the pain. I've had worse pain, I'm not afraid of the pain. I'm afraid of what it is, what it means and how it feels. I would way rather have the worst stomach pains I have ever felt than feel the feeling of a sharp object entering my skin, blood spilling, and blood being sucked out of my body.

Well now, I can handle splinters, I had one about a week ago and was glad to learn it was a splinter because I was afraid I had a cut or some weird abnormality that was causing me pain. So I pulled out the splinter the second I found it without thinking twice. Then I realized, had this happened ten years ago, I would have been a wreck, hysterical. But I wasn't. And I hope that one day I will be strong enough to have my immunizations, to have my blood drawn, and to one day get an epidural when I have my first child. Until then... who knows....

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life -Steve Jobs

So in this year+ of life exploration I am learning many, many things about myself. So many things I never even thought to know about I now know about myself and life, simply by opening my eyes and living. I want to have kids, I want my own family. I have had many thoughts about what I want in my life for my future family. I want to be a lawyer, I want to go to law school, I know what law school I want to go to, and I know that I want to go part time or stop working when I have kids. I want to teach my kids all about life, I want to take my kids to parks, I want to make dinner for my family and husband. I want to bake cakes for my kids birthdays and make breakfast for my husband. I want a man who will financially and emotionally support my family. I want date nights where I drink wine with my husband. This is why I want to wait a couple years before I have kids so we can work real hard, have late nights with pizza and chinese food, and then cute date nights before I have kids. I want a man who will appreciate me caring for our family, and be driven enough to support our family.

I know one day I will find a man loving enough to support me and our children. I know he is an amazing man, so loving and caring. He is out there, I kind of wonder what he is doing right now. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I wonder if I know him... I wonder when I will meet him if I don't. My future holds so much ahead of me, and while I cannot wait for my life with him, I love my life today, and yesterday and tomorrow. I wouldn't trade today for anything.