Saturday, March 3, 2012

Living life in the present

Ok so I am going through changes. And lots of them. Only I am not really sure what they are just yet. A lot of them deal with moving on from my past and moving forward. I am growing and becoming more mature. I am wanting things I have wanted before, but I am also realizing I am still young and there is no need to rush my life. One of these things is a family.  A lot of my friends are getting married and having kids. I have been single for over a year now and I am really focusing on myself. Lately I have been lulled into thinking kids will be perfect for me. I can't know either way yet. Right now the plan is to go to law school so that could complicate things, but that is just something to keep in mind, obviously I will not be planning on having kids until I have a stable job and feel it is time. However, now I am starting to remember why I have always not wanted kids. Because frankly I am not ready for children yet. I do not understand myself enough to extend my love as far as my children deserve. I do not know what I believe in life and therefore do not know what I would teach my children. But it is fine, while I had been planning on wanting kids, I do not want them for at LEAST another 6 years. That is a long time.

Six years ago this summer I had my first kiss. It seems like another lifetime ago. It was such a big deal then too. But that is the whole thing, time is all RELATIVE. I just turned 20 exactly a week ago. My parents got divorced when I was 10 (I think, I can't really remember anymore) I now have had divorced parents for longer than I have had married parents. That stage in my life was a complete turning point. Memories from before then are hazy, unreal. I know they are mine but it is more like the memories I have are memories of a movie I watched, except that movie was real, and it was my life. They are memories of memories. They haunt me. The fact that I can't really remember them. That they are so hazy, yet so undeniably me.

It terrifies me that I had the same feelings of life at the age of 6 that I do now. Of course I didn't understand everything about life back then. I hadn't realized that my parents were just two kids like me who met and had no idea what they were doing, that I would inevitably end up older than they were then. But I did understand things like money, depression; I thought about things like reincarnation and my soul, I knew that I was just a kid and still had a lot of growing up to do.  I am now starting to remember that as a kid I hung out with my sisters friends, so as a kindergardener I hung out with fifth graders. I thought to myself, how will I know when I am big? I remember thinking, "when I am a fifth grader and can sit on the other side of the room for dismissal, that is what seems big to me now at least" I remember seeing upperclassmen (7th-12th) and remember thinking they looked GIANT, like real adults. However, I never really felt like an adult until this fall. I still feel young and will always be aware of my youth. I still hang out with people who are older than me.

I guess those feelings though, that have stuck with me, those understandings, they are what makes me me. The way I dress, the music I listen to... the reason I get so confused at times and feel like I am always contradicting myself is because I am a very intricate being and often feel confused on how to express myself.

Anyway, I love my life, I am happy and I have been given so many opportunities. I want to not be upset that my hair gets knotted when I am late for class. I want to be thankful that I have beautiful long hair that can get knotted, that I am able to go to the school my whole family attended, and thrive. There are children who have lost their hair to cancer who would light up to feel the tug of a brush in their hair once more, I want to hold on to the novelty of all life's little gifts and never take anything for granted. Also, in response or in honor per se to a post I read over here I have decided I will wait to cut my hair until I feel I have successful moved on in life from a couple things I am working on. I will be donating at least 10 inches of my hair, it is the longest it has ever been and boy is it LONG. I kind of just want to see if I can get it down to my butt... I am really close. Maybe I will post a picture of my hair sometime.

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