Sunday, January 22, 2012

***Graphic Language Ahead***

Things are dawning on me. That I still don't really have any friends... I guess I have more than I did in high school but that's saying a shit ton... seeing as I didn't go to one fucking party my whole high school career. I also have the shittiest, bitchiest, self-absorbed roommates ever. I don't get to use the fridge, ever... I have my own mini fridge because there is no room for my shit in their fridge... and I just got kicked out of my apartment last night because one of my roommates wanted to have a friend over to make dinner and watch a cartoon movie. It's not like we are sharing a room and you wanted to bring a guy over, and you were sitting on my futon... but honestly I didn't want to be somewhere I was unwanted and felt uncomfortable so I left. I am just so over all of this shit. I don't want to waste college like I did high school but honestly it's looking like I don't really have a fucking choice. I have tried SO FUCKING HARD... I have invited people out, I have been friendly, dressed cute, made an effort to get food outside of my apartment (which by the way is a shitastically-fun-barrel-of-monkey's-laugh-tastic-cry-inducing activity as you go get food by yourself) people just don't like me... I'm not really sure why since no one has really even taken the time to get to know me. The thing is... I guess I am kind of a loner, I enjoy being alone sometimes... but now I don't really think I want that. I want friends, I want to be loved... by someone... I want people to think of me, to include me, I want to have memories of college that involve someone other than me and my computer. I've driven back to school a couple times and seen these homeless guys together... maybe they do realize it, idk... but they have what I truely want, companionship... money can only buy you friends in your sorority and I really fucked that one up the ass with a sledge hammer. I'll never have a true bid-day experience... on either end... I'll never be able to pass down my legacy to my daughters... and because I'm so fucking anti-social I will probably never date or marry a frat boy... meaning my kids will grow up geeds... not that I have a problem with gdi's... and maybe it is because of my parents that I have such idolatry towards greeks that I probably shouldn't pass to my kids... but I want to share something with my kids, I want them to be a legacy...

I'm done rambling for now... I have so much else to say but I'm too burned out to type....

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